The Swim that Change my Life

It’s hard to know where to begin when talking about this journey, the beginning is naturally where most people would start and yet that seems so heavy. Not many people want to here stories that makes them feel uncomfortable, and yet if I start at the beginning I will undoubtedly make many of you uncomfortable. This dream to swim with a humpback whale was formed at a time where I was experiencing some very dark, trauma filled times. This story however isn’t about my past, where I’ve come from or the people who have hurt me, this story is about hope, faith, bravery and the future.

This dream, that one day I would be in the ocean swimming with a humpback whale, has been with me for as long as I remember. Seeing whales on television brought tears to my eyes, and hearing their song left me speechless. I don’t know why I had such a strong pull towards these amazing creatures, but I did and it didn’t matter how many years passed, this dream to be close to one stayed with me.

Every holiday I have ever been on that was near a beach, I would look up the whale season for that region, only to be bitterly disappointed every time. You see I had never seen a whale and I was desperate to just see them with my own eyes. I’m very glad my first encounter was the one I had but at the time I didn’t know what lay ahead of me and was frustrated that I could never seem to be in the right place at the right time. Isn’t that such a powerful message in itself, that we think we know what is best for us but something so much more incredible could be waiting for us if we are patient and trust in the future.

One night, I was watching a travel show with my husband and it spoke of a tour in New Zealand which took people out to swim with humpback whales. That is the first time I’d realised this dream wasn’t crazy, that people actually did swim with whales. I remember looking at my husband and saying, I’m going to do that one day. I don’t think he believed me, not because I’m not determined to make things happen, but because I have always been scared. I let fear keep me grounded, I let excuses stop me from stepping out in faith. I knew this was different somehow, my fear didn’t scream at me like it normally did, this didn’t seem scary, this seemed natural, like it’s what I was made to do. I tucked that little dream away, deep in my heart, hoping one day to revisit it when the time was right.

I’ve been on a journey over the last year, which has lead me to love myself and my body in a way I never knew could be possible. I suddenly saw myself as more than a body, I saw myself as more than an object, and miraculously seeing myself for all I was, I realised I was worthy, I belonged and I mattered. I knew my body, with all it’s flaws, was my incredible vessel with which I could live out my dreams. And just like that, my little dream that I had tucked away safely came bursting out of my heart, it’s cries to be realised became louder and louder. It was time, I had arrived.

Most people quieten their dreams with excuses. I don’t have enough money, this is not a good time, I’m too busy, there are more important things to do. What all of those excuses are really saying is, I AM NOT WORTH IT. It’s that simple, you are telling yourself all those reasons as more important than you. That money is more important than you living out your dream or that time could be better spent. I didn’t have that misconception any more, I guess that’s why my dream burst out like that, it knew I would do anything to make it a reality. I’ve come to realise our time here is not guaranteed, that money comes and goes but memories last forever and that by investing in me I give other people permission to invest in themselves. If one of my daughter’s came to me with a dream, I would do anything to make it happen for them. Then why wouldn’t I do that for myself? Why have we stopped valuing ourselves and our desires? Why are we all living like work and money are all that matters, when really we could die tomorrow and none of that would matter?

I didn’t have the money, I didn’t have the time, and God knows there were definitively other things we could have invested in as a family. What I did have was faith in myself and in the process so I set about thinking of solutions. Instead of letting problems be stop signs, they were just give ways, a time to reflect and come up with a new route to arrive at my final destination. I saw it as a great lesson for my children, that perhaps the road for them won’t be easy but there is always, always, a way. I wanted to fill them with the strength to go after their own dreams, to value themselves enough to just go for the things they want.

That is what lead me to set up a Go Fund Me page. It was honestly my thinking that people might want to help me achieve this dream, and if they didn’t they would just move on and all would be well. How naive I was. My campaign lead to my character being attacked in a way I didn’t know was possible. It made me relive some horrific experiences and made me justify my abuse again, to people who didn’t know me, to people who were so quick to anger. I stood firm, knowing full well my heart was in the right place, knowing that this wasn’t about me being greedy, this was about me asking for help when I needed it.

I don’t expect everyone to understand why I did it the way I did it. I get such a strong sense within myself to do things sometimes that I have learnt to stop questioning it and just do it. That internal voice has only lead to great things so far. I don’t regret my campaign because despite the pain I endured putting myself out there the way I did, it achieved all I wanted and my dream wouldn’t have been realised without it. In fact what I came to realise was that, had I paid for this myself, this swim wouldn’t have been as healing as it was.

I don’t want to make my abuse a focus, however for you to understand why other people investing in this dream changed my life, you have to understand what happens to people when they have been abused. My worth was stripped from me, my mind was warped to stop believing good things could ever happen to me and more importantly I didn’t think anyone could ever love me enough to give me something without taking something away. I saw myself as tainted, I saw myself as unworthy of dreams, and deep down I stopped believing I was wanted. You see my story is often seen as a burden, people don’t want to know it because no one wants to know the horror that happens in this world. I’ve come to realise that people often prefer ignorance, for the sake of their sanity.

The fact that strangers, friends, family and even clients were giving me their support financially broke me in the most beautiful way possible. All the things I had come to think were true were being shattered right in front of me. People were kind, people didn’t want to use me, people didn’t think I was a burden and most importantly people were saying over and over again as they donated, YOU ARE WORTHY. I was being heard, I was being supported, I was being loved and I couldn’t believe that this was all just to make my dream come true. I am still and will always be forever changed by the kindness I was shown. It has rewired my mind from one of fear to one of love. I am no longer angry at the world, I no longer feel like I am a burden, I am deeply healed.

When the plane took off from Adelaide, I couldn’t believe it. It was actually going to happen, something good, something great, something I didn’t believe could be possible was actually going to happen and it was all thanks to the amazing kindness of people. People who didn’t want to hurt me, people who wanted good things for me, people who showed me I could trust others again and stop being so afraid. I was filled with so much excitement. Now normally this is where I would panic and think the plane would crash, I never believed I deserved happiness, I mean why else would those atrocities have happened to me? So instead I would imagine a horrendous death ahead of me because I didn’t believe something good could actually happen to me. This time was so different, I didn’t think I was going to die. I had so many people asking me if I was afraid, afraid of being with a giant creature under water, afraid of the endless depth of the ocean that would be below me, afraid of sharks pulling me under the cold water never to be seen again. For the first time in my life I wasn’t the one filled with fear, I was the one filled with faith and it felt amazing.

I couldn’t sleep, I was too excited that finally this childhood fantasy would be fulfilled. I got dressed, ate hurriedly and just sat on my bed, waiting, waiting, waiting in anticipation, would the whales be cooperative today? I didn’t want to let all my supporters down by returning with a sad tale of the whales I nearly swam with. However I was filled with so much hope that nothing could possibly go wrong, this was my destiny after all.

As soon as the bus reached the ocean someone spotted a whale and my heart leapt out of my chest. This was it, there were actually whales here and I would finally get to see one. Everything was becoming a blur, the adrenaline was kicking in and all I could think about was those beautiful humpback whales. I wasn’t scared of the ocean, I wasn’t scared of what lay beneath those waves, I didn’t even care how I looked compared to all the other women on the boat. You see my focus wasn’t on how people perceived me anymore, all that mattered was how I saw myself and I saw myself as a warrior, as a champion, as a mermaid (although the footage proves otherwise). I squeezed into my wet-suit and laughed, because this was all becoming so real.

We were placed in group 3, the last to try and have an encounter with the whales. The planner in me liked this, it meant I could watch the process, get my mind ready for what was about to happen. I had already decided I wanted to use a pool noodle, which I know some people might see as a failure or embarrassing but I didn’t care what anyone else thought, gosh I knew why I was doing it and that’s all that mattered.

You see I had swam out like a shot when we hopped in to swim with the manta rays and in my haste I panicked, thinking I had lost the group. I had been so focused on that beautiful creature, I had lost sight of reality for a moment and suddenly it all came crashing back as I gulped a huge mouthful of sea water. It was like I was a child chasing a seagull only to suddenly turn around and realise I didn’t know where my parents were.

After my little panic, I called for help, something this process has made me very good at doing and got back on the boat. Yes a noodle wouldn’t be how I pictured my swim, yes it wouldn’t be as mermaid like as I wanted, but in the process of achieving perfection we often are left incapable of doing anything for fear it won’t be perfect. I didn’t have time for that. My whale and I would be united no matter what, and if it took a noodle to make me feel more comfortable then so be it.

The whole process is a very delicate one, a plane over head looks at potential pods we can swim with, there cannot be any babies and there can be no tail splashing or breaching by the whales. They kept a close eye on the perfect whales and then would drop us in the water in the path of the whales so ideally they would just swim by us.

Now we had been in the water twice, and both times the whale pod swimming towards us swerved to avoid us, leaving us with no whale sightings. All the other groups had swum with whales and I was feeling a little anxious. I’d seen a whale for the first time, and that alone was more magical than I had dreamed of, so I wasn’t disappointed, I was in fact so grateful that I had been able to see these magnificent creatures so close to me. I did however still hold hope that our final swim would be successful.

We got in the water for the third time. We were in line for a pod heading straight for us, only to have them swerve to avoid us again. My heart sunk but I still didn’t think this was the end. Surely my dream would come true, this was it, I just knew it deep down in my soul. Another pod, and this time they did a 180 and headed completely in the opposite direction to us. The boat was about to come get us when we were told of another whale heading towards us. By this stage I couldn’t help but laugh, all the other groups had been successful and here I was with the group which kept scaring the whales away.

“Swim East” were the words I kept hearing over and over again, it was on, the race to get in line with the whale so it would swim past us. I had an instructor ask if I needed help swimming and I bravely said no, only to have him pull my pool noodle anyway. I was grateful he helped me, I was sluggish and without his help I don’t know if I would have experienced what I did. You see I feel like everything just fell into place, decisions and actions of others around me lead to this next incredible moment. It’s like this had always been written in my destiny.

As I frantically swam East, I heard something. It was this deep grunt, I was filled with so much adrenaline that it didn’t register what it was. Until the grunting was so loud I couldn’t help but stop and look up, and there before me was my whale. The whale I had waited my whole life to see. He was so beautiful, he was so graceful and all I could think of doing was swimming frantically towards him. I wasn’t scared, I felt so sure of everything happening for a reason that fear never reared it’s ugly head. And just like that, he was gone.

My dream had come true. My body had done it, my anxiety had finally been silenced and I was a new woman. All those past ideas of who I was, someone who was scared, someone whose body was weak and uncoordinated, someone who let fear stop her from living, were smashed into a million pieces. Chasing this dream opened my eyes to how capable I am. It opened my eyes to what my body is for, doing things. It taught me life isn’t a competition, it’s not about perfection, it’s about letting go of those ideas. It’s about being afraid and doing it anyway. On the other side of fear is living and I refuse to let fear dictate my life any more. Here’s to many more adventures, here’s to being imperfect and here’s to loving and supporting each other achieve all the great things we are all destined to achieve.

I want to thank all my supporters who have made this dream a reality, your actions have changed my life for the better and you will all hold such a special place in my heart.

Ningaloo Discovery are the incredible company who made this happen. I can’t speak more highly of them. They were amazing from my very first interactions and made this dream what it was. They made this such a fun and positive experience for everyone no matter how skilled they were at snorkeling. They know their stuff and they rescued my hat when it flew into the ocean, so really that just proves that they are the best.

Sea Breeze Resort was were we stayed, they won’t be there next year but I still want to acknowledge their kindness. They went above and beyond. Jose the grounds keeper, was so kind and lent us a float for the Go Pro because we had forgotten to take one and also lent me his amazing lens which lots of these photos were taken with. His generosity blew me away and reaffirmed my new found faith in humanity.

Une Piece are the gorgeous red bathers I am wearing. Now as much as I love my bathers and how well they protect me from the sun, what I love more is their creator Carly. Who has supported me throughout this whole process, even when people were getting nasty she stood by me and that meant a lot so I want to give her a special shout out because if you buy her bathers not only are you getting some incredible bathers you are supporting an amazing human.

And to all of you who didn’t think I could, all of you who didn’t want this to work out for me, all of you who supported me, all of you who donated, all of you who have read this blog,  my hope for you is that this inspires you to put yourself out there and make your dreams come true! I’m here to tell you that you are indeed worth it.

Emma and Brandon’s Engagement Shoot

I first met Emma and Brandon when I was shooting a first birthday party. It’s funny how people come into your lives and you don’t realise that your paths will cross again. I don’t even have enough positive words to describe these 2 amazing humans. They are just so perfect for each other and make this world a better place. Every time I spend time with Emma and Brandon I can’t help but walk away smiling, their love for each other and for life is just infectious.

This love story goes a long way back. They actually met on their first day of year 8, at Westminster school. The first day of year 8 is big in everyone’s life but little did they know this was the day they were to meet the love of their life. It’s been so long they can’t remember who liked who first, but the attraction was pretty instantaneous.

On Emma’s 21st birthday Brandon decided it was the perfect time to propose. He took her out for a lovely dinner and then took her for a romantic walk along the jetty. emma was a little confused as to why they were going for a walk along the jetty when it was so late and cold but she’s glad she did go on that walk. At the end of the jetty her life changed forever. After talking for a little bit Brandon got the courage to get down on one knee and propose. Emma said yes and the rest is history.

This couple have withstood the test of time. As they have grown and changed, they have done so together. Whatever life has thrown them over the last 8 years they have faced it together. They’ve been through some of the biggest moments of their life by each others side, it’s not something many people get to do and they are just as in love as ever.

I hope you have the most magical wedding day tomorrow. I can’t wait to capture this next chapter in your incredible love story.

Jess xx

Lucy and Mitchell’s Engagement Shoot

I met Lucy and Mitchell at Kimberley and Cameron’s wedding, which I was photographing, and as soon as I saw them together I knew I wanted to shoot their wedding. Everywhere they went they lit up the room and the love they share was blindingly beautiful. Plus Lucy was belting out “Let it Go” with all the children, and that my friends is when I knew there was something special about this girl. The problem was they were getting married in Queensland and I am based in Adelaide, but when I put the call out for a destination wedding, Lucy got in touch and I was literally jumping up and down. What an honour to be asked to capture their wedding day.

I was lucky enough to do a quick engagement shoot for them both, while they were down in Adelaide. Lucy and Mitchell have been together for 5 years and it all started with a cheesy pick up line. Mitchell spotted Lucy across the room at the Regatta pub in Brisbane and asked her ” do you come here often”. Apparently that was his standard line but Lucy being quite nervous just ran off. Not the effect Mitchell was hoping for, but none the less his luck turned when her friends invited him over to their table to chat to them. The attraction was mutual, they chatted into the night and that was the beginning of their forever.

After having picked out a ring 6 months prior, Mitchell finally decided on the perfect time to propose. He chose to surprise Lucy on Christmas day. To avoid her being suspicious he made sure to wrap the ring in a much bigger box. It worked brilliantly as Lucy didn’t suspect what was in her extra special gift. It was an easy decision for Lucy to make when Mitchell asked her to spend the rest of her life with him, she loved and adored him, the answer had to be yes.

I read the other day that we are perfectly suited to thousands of people, and it’s just timing and circumstance that leads us to the person we are with. When I come across love like Lucy and Mitchell’s love, I know that’s not true. The stars aligned, because their love was always meant to be.

Jess

Lisa and Sam’s Engagement Shoot

A gorgeous, balmy night by the beach, and the cutest family the world ever did see equals magic. What an incredible privileged to capture some photos to celebrate not only Sam and Lisa’s love for each other but also for their absolutely delightful daughter.

8 years ago, at a party, Lisa was disclosing to a friend that what she wanted more than anything was to meet the man of her dreams, fall in love, have children and live happily ever after. Unbeknownst to her Sam had over heard this conversation and took it upon himself to introduce himself to Lisa. The attraction was mutual and instant, they both felt this was something so special, something unlike anything they had ever felt before.

The spent the next 3 weeks inseparable, but as fate would have it Lisa was leaving to move to London and so the 2 parted ways. They kept in constant contact over the next 2 years while Lisa was overseas. Logic told them that they should let go of each other and move on but their hearts kept them holding on.

Upon Lisa’s return they were finally reunited. Lisa had met the man of her dreams and now it was time to fall in love, have children and live happily ever after. Love came instantly and last year a baby came and so it was time for their happily ever after.

They both wanted to throw a huge party for all their friends and family who supported them on this journey they had been on. Before they knew it they were planning their wedding, and in 3 months they managed to pull together the most amazing wedding. Fate seems to have always been on their side.

I feel so lucky, to be privy to their love story and to have been able to capture it for generations to look back on in awe. May fate continue to be on your side for evermore.

Jess xxx

Simone and Stuart’s Engagement Shoot

Simone and Stuart asked me to capture some photos to celebrate their engagement. They chose a gorgeous forest as the backdrop, and as the sun set and we said our goodbyes, I felt so lucky to have been privileged enough to get a glimpse into the love they have for each other.

Simone and Stuart have been together less than a year and in that time they have dated, moved in together and gotten engaged. It all might seem fast, I mean moving in after 5 weeks of dating could seem crazy, but when you know you just know. What’s the point of spending another moment apart when you know forever is your future. This gorgeous couple were so in love, so connected, so in tune, what does time matter when you are meant to be.

Stuart and Simone actually met 2 years ago. Simone was watching her friend simg in a Pink tribute band, and Stuart was there watching too. Stuart already only had eyes for Simone, beaming smiles her way all night until finally his friend came up to her and said “That guy over there thinks he knows you from somewhere”. Simone, knowing full well that they had never met, responded by saying he could come over to talk to her if he wanted. Stuart didn’t come over, maybe it just wasn’t their time.

What a surprise when a year later Simone found Stuart on a dating website. She had never forgotten that smile, and even though she had no photos of herself on her profile Stuart was very keen on her from the beginning, writing back and forth. Simone then asked if he remembered that girl for the pub who he kept smiling at, and it turns out he had never forgotten her. That was the beginning of forever for them.

On their 4 month anniversary, Simone came home to a beautiful wooden glory box, something she had been longing for. The plan was to go out to dinner together to celebrate but unfortunately Stuart got called into work. All Stuart’s plans had been ruined, he was feeling very frustrated but he knew it didn’t matter where he asked, he wanted Simone to be his forever and the time was now. He called for Simone to come into their room where he handed her a poem he had written himself. At the end it asked if she would marry him, looking up she saw Stuart down on one knee, with the glory box open to reveal a stunning ring. Simone was so overcome she burst into tears and forgot to say yes. They have since worked out that the day Stuart proposed was in fact 2 years to the day, that they first laid eyes on each other. How serendipitous.

As they plan their wedding, as they plan their forever, they do so with so much love in their hearts. You only need to spend 5 minutes with these two gorgeous souls to see that sometimes you just know.

I wish you both all the best in your life together and thank you again for letting me capture the beautiful love that you share.

Jess xx

Jess and Rick’s Engagement Shoot

This couple feel less like clients and more like family. I have been blessed enough to capture some of their most precious moments and will be doing it all again on their wedding day. Being so close means we really get each other and so I was so excited when Jess told me they wanted to do something a little different for their engagement shoot. A carnival theme meant we just had so much fun, laughing was a plenty and these two love birds got to act like big kids again.

Jess and Rick met 19 years ago in Port Rickaby where both their families would spend their holidays. To say these two fell in love as soon as they saw each other would be lying. The truth is that Rick was mean in Jess’ eyes and since she was still a girl he didn’t think much of her either.

9 years later the two found each other again. It was New Years Eve in Port Rickaby, they had both grown up a lot since their youth and the chemistry was instant. He wasn’t that mean boy Jess remembered and she wasn’t that little girl anymore.

New Years Eve 2010 saw them back at Port Rickaby, about to celebrate like the old days. However something felt off, Rick was being really strange and Jess responded by biting his head off at the slightest thing. Little did she know, Rick’s head was elsewhere. He was anxiously trying to figure out how to ask Jess’ dad permission to marry his daughter and then how he would then ask Jess to marry him. Finally at 9pm Jess understood why Rick had been acting so strange all day when he asked her to marry him. Her mood soon lifted as she excitedly said yes. 10 years on and these childhood sweethearts are about to embark on married life. New Years Eve, we will all go back to where it all began and celebrate their incredible love story.

These two are still so smitten with each other. Even now they are parents you can see that they are more in love than ever before. I can’t think of a better way to bring in the new year than with these 2 and all their amazing family and friends.

Jess xxx

Daniel and Sally’s Engagement Shoot

The location and idea for this engagement shoot was all Daniel’s idea. In fact Sally had no idea where she was going even on the drive to the location. A last minute location change, because the rain had stopped made it quite hilarious having to explain to Sally where we would meet without giving it away.  Sally loved the surprise and we had a lovely time exploring the Botanical Gardens, even though I got them terribly lost, and got chased away by a man on his ride on mower telling us it was closing time!

Sally and Daniel have been together 10 years after first meeting at an after show party. The attraction was instantaneous for both of them, as they spotted each other across the room something sparked inside them, and it’s never gone out.

After 5 years of being together Daniel knew it was time to ask Sally to marry him. He planned to ask her during the cruise they were taking to New Zealand. The tour Chocolate, Butterflies and Bubbles seemed like the perfect time to get down on one knee. He booked them in to the tour where they explored Dunedin, stopping off at the Cadbury Chocolate factory and finishing off the day at the Natural History museum in the butterfly enclosure, sipping champagne. It’s there that Daniel saw his chance, the mood was right, the setting was perfect but Sally, well she was so busy looking at the beautiful butterflies that when she saw Daniel on one knee, looking through his backpack, she assumed he was just getting a tissue. It wasn’t until she spotted the little pink box in his hands that she realised what was happening. Sally was speechless, which is incredible in itself if you know Sally, and when she burst into tears Daniel thought the worse, until Sally eased his nerves and said yes. There by the beautiful waterfall, surrounded by butterflies, Daniel and Sally chose each other forever.

As soon as you meet these two, you can see their connection straight away, they get each other like no one else does. It truly is like they are made for each other. I have loved getting to know this beautiful couple and their precious little girl. Their love fills a room and their laughter is infectious. I wish the 3 of them, a life filled with laughter, which I know is a given with Sally around.

Jess xxx

Unashamed: Stories of Abuse Survivors

Abuse is a fucker, it fucks with every bit of your mind and body, it leaves you hating yourself and the shell you are living in. Victims carry the shame of their abuse like it is their’s to carry, they hide it deep inside, burdening only themselves because they have forgotten they were worth something and they know their story only upsets others.

Enough is enough, I have decided to give these survivors a voice. To bring them together to heal, to take the first steps to loving their amazing bodies and to feel UNASHAMED. For this shame is not ours, we have carried it too long, now is the time we speak and make our abuser carry the shame that so rightly belongs to them.

That’s why I took 5 women into the woods, that’s why I bared all and asked them to do the same, because in that moment we were all free, we were all one and we were all loved.

These are our stories:

When I was sexually abused as a child I thought I’d somehow brought it on myself, that somehow there was something about 8 year old me that invited this unwanted, disgusting attention. This lead to so much hatred of my body, because I truly believed that it was my body’s fault that caused all this hurt and brokenness. I couldn’t understand how someone who said they loved me could hurt me so much unless I had done something to deserve it.

My life continued to prove to me time and time again that there was something about me, something that made people feel it was ok to treat my body like it was their property and not mine. Unwanted comments yelled out about me, and I was meant to smile and blush like it was some compliment. Random men grabbing my arse as I walked through a pub. All the while it felt wrong, I kept thinking it was me that was the problem. I couldn’t pin point what it was but I knew it had to be me, there could be no other explanation.

No one talks about sexual abuse, no one wants to hear, no one takes the time to listen because it makes them uncomfortable. It makes THEM uneasy and so they would rather we stay silent, silent to suffer in our own minds, with our own misconceptions of what has happened to us. Time and time again I was met with sympathetic looks at best, but at worst blame. I was blamed that it was my fault, I was making it up, I just wanted attention. I can tell you now at 8 I didn’t want any of that attention, nor did I want anyone to know my secret as I felt so dirty and ashamed of what my body had endured. I felt I was forever tainted.

Being met with so much blame reiterated what I knew was true, I was the problem. I never doubted the facts of what had happened to me, no matter what anyone else believed, but I started to blame myself. Maybe if I didn’t look the way I did then it would never have happened, maybe I was too cute? This is what your silence, your blame and your ignorance does to abuse survivors, it tells them they are indeed the problem and the perpetrator, the vile human who did this gets to live in peace, not burdened by their act because no one talks about it, so in reality if it’s never spoken of it stops existing.

One day I woke up to to finally know the truth, being in a loving, respectful, caring relationship with my husband for 10 years, built my trust up again, built my worth up again and suddenly I saw myself for who I was, an amazing, beautiful, caring, loving, genuine, funny woman who had full power over her body. In fact, I saw my abuser for what he was a sick, perverted man who did this to me because he had the problem and none of this was my fault. I became unashamed of my story, in fact I became so proud, because I had triumphed despite the odds being against me. I knew my silence only made his life easier, and my life harder so I talked, boy oh boy did I talk.

I will continue to talk, for the voiceless, to give power back to others who have been abused. I want this to stop being unspoken because it only hurts the victims, I want everyone to stop caring about making others uncomfortable and making sure they are heard. Our voices must be loud, for we are many and we are amazing.

Years of turmoil, soul destroying and manipulative behaviour.  Years of a life I honestly thought was “just a rocky relationship”.

These years passed by slowly and painfully. I was very unhappy. I was a ghost dressed up as a human. I had no idea it was abuse or what we call domestic & family violence, I just accepted my life was going to be miserable and trapped forever. Down the track it was confirmed by the powers that be however, that it was DV.  I was living under the same roof with control, coercion, manipulation, mental torture and intimidation. I had been living this way for way too long. I was a victim of my own life and I wanted out. But how do I get out?

It began with a challenging journey whilst gaining momentum and inner strength to make a choice, I had to make a choice or I was going to wither away, die even.  My soul had already died inside, it was only my body to go. I had never wanted to end my life as such, even at my rock bottom, because I knew there was more out there, but at the time I just wasn’t sure how to access a happy life. So upon discovering I had choices, my first step was to ask myself whether to remain in a life of control or to remove myself and start again, begin the process of healing, strengthening, finding myself, regaining inner confidence and finding true happiness.

When I made the scary choice to lock this controlled life out forever, it was like removing the outer shell of my very being and returning home. Returning home to familiarity, safety and a life I could live with in peace. A life I could create myself and add some joy and peace into the mix.

Through this whole journey I discovered much about myself such as what I had always wanted for my own life and the lives of my children. For too many years I was silent, too fearful of the consequences to break free or to voice what I was really feeling. For many years I did not even realise where I was within this life of toxicity, so once my moment of courage emerged, I knew only one thing, I had to get out of this living hell.

By removing the threat in our lives, this enables us to be set free. So I did exactly that, I set myself free. My day to day living hell was now over.

Before I could settle into a life of complete restoration there was a next step, and it had me again in turmoil. The consequences of standing up and being a voice were not over as I now entered into the legal system to be “processed and broken down” even further.  This nearly broke me. So with sleeves up and my personal armour on, I had no option but to pull upon my inner strength, my natural resilience and unforeseen superpowers and I fought for my rights as a human, a woman and a mother. I fought, I never gave up, and I succeeded. I did what I had to do to release us from that old life, that life of living hell and control.

My story is classic cycle. Textbook. I spent a lot of time trying not to be ‘textbook.’ My story is though, and that’s okay. Its important, in fact. I wont go into gory details but, the first time I was hurt- the first time my body was used for a sexual act, I was only 2. That was by my pop- my dad’s dad. If you can guess what happened next, its probably predictable. My dad was like his dad. So a lot of things happened. Horrible things a father should never do to his daughter. Some things I know I’ve forgotten, then some are etched forever in my brain, tainting my sexual experience.

What do you think happened next? C’mon… text book.

You got it- I left home at 15. I got with my ‘uncle.’ A Family friend. Guess what he did… Short story- I don’t know how many times I was raped. How many times I was nearly killed. Blacked out because of him. How many times I was so badly bruised. I was pretty broken after this. I think I realized when I was about 18 that ‘this’ now was linked to ‘that’ past. Truth is, there were a few more ‘that’s’ before this one. There was a horrible bad thing when I was 12 (my first sexual experience wasn’t consensual), then a few more with another guy, then another one. I was also a normal girl who had a crush on a normal guy.

I stayed away from men for a while and went to therapy. I was 18. I decided no relationships for me. But I had needs, so I thought I’d be tough and just do the “I want one thing ‘thing’.” That didn’t work out so well when I set a boundary. He chased me and tried to hit me through a car window…

Eventually there was one who I thought was a good guy. A long term relationship. With someone who constantly reminded me that he was nothing like the others… But yelling loudly -ripping into me when trying to find space in violence- forced sex of several kinds – public humiliation- this was all okay apparently.

Off to the psychologist I went. Again. Realizing I wasn’t better after all. I got out.

There were some things went on with people that weren’t all ‘bad’, but weren’t good either. I got better at listening to me with time. Got my head around violence.

Until there came a pro… Emotional violence. Gas lighting. Hiding. Blaming me. What I learned here was how my PTSD worked. I got to understand triggers and how it took a few days to come out of them, because he always got me again before I could get out of the first trigger. I was stuck in dissociation land for too long. Far too long. Eventually I realized this was the same. All violence is… same same but different. It’s a special trick though to make someone doubt their own mind.

I think, at this point, I’ll be in some kind of therapy forever. I know some things – I know I can get out of dark patches. I know I’m crazy strong because I fight, even if I lose, I fight. I leave when it’s bad – I actually got better at that! There were 2 potential relationships after the last big one, and they both stepped out of line and I ran. My safety bubble is the most important thing, because if I am not safe, I cannot function for me, my family, my goals. I can hide for days to heal if I get hurt, and that’s no good.

In this last big, bad, dark thing I learned that I am responsible for my safety, totally. No one else is. If they do the wrong thing, they can be warned, and I will leave. Or heck- maybe I’ll leave straight away. I have an odd sense of safety in my relationship now- we both leave when we get treated bad. We don’t stay. We don’t settle. So we are our best for each other, and ourselves.

I feel like that’s really the goal – to become our best selves. Evolve beyond trauma to beauty. Phoenix style, we rise up after such painful burning. We rise up with beautiful stories. We grow Secret Super Powers no one else could even imagine, if we let ourselves.

I found out about this photo shoot by accident. Facebook put an ad in my news feed one day and I looked at the info and thought it looked like a lot of fun but I thought I wasn’t going to be a pretty enough model. Then the ad came up in my news feed again a week later and I thought ‘you know what, what is the harm is messaging them’. I am very thankful I did. I messaged Mapleberry Photography asking about it and when I got the reply I got very nervous. The first thing I done was go talk to my mum and I am so very thankful she was incredibly supportive because without her I may never have taken part.

This photo shoot has changed the way I look at myself. For so long my body was something that brought trouble. I am so grateful that I can now say that my body is mine and if anyone has an issue with the way it looks or the way I use it the can whistle dixie.

I still have days where I feel like my body is the cause of my troubles or that it doesn’t look the way it is supposed to but thanks to this photo shoot I can accept that’s not right. I meet some truly phenomenal women that day and they have influenced me so much. I am so very thankful for this experience, this memory. It is helping heal from long lasting wounds. I may never be totally healed but thanks to Jessica Kaucz, my mum, and the other beautiful women that took part in this photo shoot I can say they at least are healing, finally.

I was 5 years old the first time my step-father-to-be came to the side of the makeshift, fold out-bed my mum had made me in her new boyfriend’s bedroom.  He came to me and he knelt down and sexually abused me under the covers while my mother slept in the same room.

That single night began the ongoing cycle of sexual abuse he put me through, for my teen and young adult years after that. That night and many more from then on forever changed how I saw myself and how I saw my body.

That night was the beginning of something that I, at 5 years old had no idea would change the course of my life. He continued this abuse on a regular basis on my mind and body for 6 years. For 6 years my body was nothing but a toy to him and from then on my body remained a toy for men in years to come.

My body brought me nothing but guilt, shame and the wrong kind of attention, all from age 5. To my child self, my body caused this heartbreak. I didn’t know any better.

My relationship with my body has never been stable, it has never been positive, how can I love something when all it brought me was pain and heartache?

Why would you know how to love something that brought that kind of attention for your entire life?

I have never thought of my body as something to be proud of, I have never thought that my body is this amazing vessel that grew 3 whole babies, that birthed them, loved them and nurtured them with the milk it made itself. I was never proud of that.

That my body despite its almost perfect imperfections was something to marvel, just as much as any other body?

That same body along with my very strong and courageous mind got me here, to this point in my life where I no longer want to die, I want to survive. I was not proud of that either.

This is what sexual abuse does to a child, a young adult, a grown woman, it teaches them that their bodies are nothing but a thing, an object and that it serves no other purpose than to be sexual, to be used and to be broken.

But something I have learnt after doing this photo shoot was that my body, while not perfect, is perfectly capable to deal with anything that can be thrown at it, that it can be bigger or smaller, that it can stretch to capacities I never knew capable, that my body will tell me if I’m working too hard, if its tired or happy.

My body can endure years of abuse and years on still be loved by a real man, who treats it well, who treats it with the respect it deserves. Who loves it always, bigger or smaller, well rounded or faulted.

My body can take me into a forest with a group of strangers and be beautiful with other beautifully different bodies. No body being any more or less beautiful than the next.

I have learnt that there really is beauty in my curves, that there is love and heart in my chest, that my very own breasts fed children. That, that alone is something to be proud of.

That body, conceived life. My body conceived and brought life.

That same body still contains life despite the negativity placed upon it in its earlier years, this body is mine, and the only person that needs to love it is me.

A Woman’s body is the container of that very person’s secrets. Secrets that she may not even be aware of herself. This means that we can’t judge a woman (or anyone’s) body by its appearance, because no one else but that body knows what it knows. No one knows just how strong that woman had to be, just to stay inside of it.

If you were to look through my lounge room window you would see a loving mother doting on her three children kissing the two eldest goodbye each morning as they left for school, then spending her day playing with the youngest till her husband came home each night. What you don’t see is what I like to call my deluminator its holds everything horrible that’s happened to me along with all the feelings to go with it. It’s something I never talk about for several reasons the main one being that no one wants to hear what happened to me they don’t know what to say, how to feel or even where to look when I say I’ve been the victim of sexual, physical and mental abuse by a man who was supposed to love me.  On the 23rd October 2016 I done something I never thought I’d have the courage to do I spent my afternoon with complete strangers topless in the woods! Not only to free myself from thinking it was my fault this happened to me but in the hopes that this will help someone else who is either in a horrible situation or to help someone realize how strong they are for surviving something so horrible.

I was 16 and fell in love with a boy he was my first love and I believed him when he said he would never hurt me, coming from a broken home I clung to this promise thinking maybe someone would treat me right. How wrong I was the first time he hit me I told myself it was my fault for talking back , in fact I always blamed myself when he hurt me because he always followed with I love you. It was not until he sexually assaulted me that first night that I realized I was nothing to him yet I stayed because I loved him, I thought I could change him better him. The next day he apologized and said it was my fault the reason why is still crystal clear in my mind, because I had spoken to another man and he had to punish me for this. The next few months were the same I turned to drugs and alcohol to help deal with what he was doing to me, then he put me in the hospital what happened next destroyed me I found out id fallen pregnant. I was 17 pregnant from rape and I could hardly take care of myself let alone a child that was until I saw the tiny little heartbeat it saved my life I hoped it would change the relationship I was in but alas it only got worse. I put up with all of this abuse through my pregnancy promising myself it would change once my baby was born that he would feel the love for our child I felt. My baby was a month old when I finally realized the man id fallen in love with would never change and that everything he had said and done to me was not my fault id not asked for it like he told me. What finally opened my eyes was him physically hurting my baby I walked out that night and never went back.

My ex has put me through hell and back since I left him his kidnapped my child, had DHS try to take my child turned my own family against me and done anything he can to hurt me. Now I can’t say that it didn’t work because each day is still a struggle and I still find it hard to talk about what he done to me. What I have learnt is that I’m strong! Stronger than anyone ever thought I was how many people can go through what I did and walk away stronger. Yes he broke me and left me not knowing who I was but it helped me find my voice it showed me I didn’t need to rely on someone to be happy. It taught me how important it was to teach my children not only to respect others but have the hard talks about what abuse is.

I’ve always struggled with the way my body looks and I know it’s done amazing things but after the abuse I could never see myself the way others did! My husband forever tells me I’m beautiful my friends do as well but I never saw it until the day of the photo shoot. Being surrounded by these amazing strong beautiful inspiring woman who had been through abuse as well made me see myself in a new light, I felt comfortable around them I felt free and happy something I’ve not felt in a long time. It helped me heal something I’d thought I’d done along time even writing this now has made me realize just how much further I have to go and that’s okay because I know imp strong enough to do it. This stigma around abuse needs to be lifted why anyone who has been through such a horrible thing should be made to feel bad for talking about it. We are the ones who it happened to, we have to live with it for the rest of our lives with whatever else comes from it. So why should we be made to feel bad for trying to help others from having to go through it because it makes someone else feel uncomfortable all that does is prove just how strong we are as survivors.

It is with great hope, great love and great relief that this blog was conceived, for we must never be silent, our stories are incredible, powerful and only prove our strength. We are no longer victims but survivors.

Jess xxx

I want to thank our amazing participants for being so brave, I know they did this to help others stop feeling the shame of abuse. These woman are incredible and I am so lucky to share with your their stories. I also need to think our incredible helper on the day, who we couldn’t have done without, Jes we are eternally grateful for all your love and support.

 

 

Courtney and Karl’s Wedding 18.9.16

With unseasonal torrential rain and flooding hitting Adelaide, brides all over the state became very anxious. Many wedding venues got flooded and weddings had to be relocated. However none of that seemed to phase this gorgeous couple. Their relaxed attitude was certainly rewarded, with a beautiful day and only a few spots of rain to be seen.

My day started with Karl and his groomsmen, who were all in great spirits when I arrived. They were eager to have photos taken and even had a fabulous idea of playing tennis in their get up. I loved seeing how excited Karl was about marrying Courtney. His enthusiasm was absolutely contagious.

The girls were in similar spirits, they all seemed really excited about the day and yet very relaxed at the same time. Courtney was glowing, the happiness she felt about marrying the love of her life was all over her face. There was lots of laughing as they all got dressed and even a bridesmaid’s dress needing sewing at the last minute couldn’t dampen their spirits.

Their ceremony was magical, the rose garden was the perfect back drop for this couple to say their I dos. What an emotion filled ceremony it was. There’s something extra special when a couple get married after having a child. They’ve been through so much together and they still choose to love one another forever. It’s a ceremony for them as a family to celebrate this love that they all share. Karl was speechless at his gorgeous bride’s beauty as she walked toward him  and Courtney couldn’t stop smiling at the sigh of her handsome husband to be. It was so apparent they were meant for each other, their love could be felt everywhere they went.

We then went exploring to take some formal photos, all the while having so much fun. This bridal party, although feeling the cold as they were nearly all from Queensland, were so joyful. You could tell they were so happy for their friends, and that they were so honoured to be a part of their day. Courtney and Karl had the biggest smiles, it’s like they had won the lottery. I guess they did, because love like theirs is one in a million.

Jess xx

Ceremony: Willunga Rose Garden
Reception: Russell’s Pizza

Jeanne and Dena’s Wedding 27.8.16

I looked out the window to see the weather was perfect for a wedding, not too cold and overcast. I knew this was going to be a great day for a wedding. Megan my incredible second shooter was working with me on this wedding so I knew I had more time to relax with Dena as she got ready and really capture her morning from start to finish.

Megan went to photograph the boys getting ready. She fell in love with their family home as soon as she walked in, she gushed to be later in the day how beautiful it was and how it was light filled, a photographers dream. The boys were hilarious, constantly cracking jokes as they were getting ready. Everyone was in good spirits and Jeanne’s 2 gorgeous boys were loving all the excitement.

As I turned up to the Hilton, I was very excited because Dena’s sister, Kate, is a good friend of mine and an incredible celebrant, we always have such fun together so I knew we would have the best time morning together. I wasn’t wrong. In that huge hotel room with gorgeous city views, there was a lot of laughing going on. I must say there were a few tears shed as well, when Dena’s bridesmaids saw her, looking like a vision in her breathtaking wedding dress, the tears were flowing. Everyone was so organised we even had time to sneak out to do some photos in Victoria Square.

Dena arrived in a classic white Jag, which fitted perfectly with the style and feel of the day. All the elements were so timeless, it almost felt like I was in an old Audrey Hepburn movie. Stepping out of that car she could have been a 1940’s starlet about to step on to the red carpet. She has such poise and classic beauty about her. You could see how excited she was to be only moments away from marrying her soul mate. Her dutiful bridesmaids were always by her side, ready to hold her bouquet of fix stray hairs. You could tell they were as excited about this day as Dena and Jeanne were.

The time had come to step into the church and down the aisle to say I Do. The church was so grand and romantic, with beautiful stain glass windows and huge wooden doors opening up to reveal a long central aisle. When those door burst open to reveal Dena standing there, you could hear the chatter of guests commenting on how beautiful she looked. No one seemed more pleased to see Dena than Jeanne, who’s face lit up as soon as he caught a glimpse of her.

The ceremony was touching, with everyone in that church so happy to see Jeanne and Dena tying the knot. There were many tears and even more laughs. Their two boys were made to feel extra special with the responsibility of handing over the rings. Their faces beamed as the priest lent down to address them about the importance of these rings that they were so carefully guarding.  Everything has been considered and this is a reflection of how meticulously the day was planned to ensure the day was a true reflection of them and their union. The smile on both their faces when they were announces as man and wife, was enormous.

As we explored Belair National Park with them and their bridal party there was a sense of joy from everyone. This wedding party truly love this couple and made sure that everything was running smoothly. The groomsmen kept us all entertained with their antics, and the girls didn’t do a bad job either at making us giggle. We had such a beautiful time taking photos of this fun bunch and every now and them I would catch Jeanne looking at Dena was the most loving expression on his face. Dena couldn’t wipe the grin off her face either. They were a family and life couldn’t be any sweeter.

Often times when a family combines it can be challenging. Dena loves Jeanne’s boys like her own, in fact when I first met them I assumed she was their mother, the way she interacted with them showed such tenderness and care and the boys absolutely adore her. Jeanne is the most attentive father I have seen. His boys light up his world, and he lights up theirs. He always knows how to make them laugh and give them a great big hug when they need it. This day wasn’t just about the love Dena and Jeanne have for each other but it was also about the love they have for their boys. It honestly brought tears to my eyes seeing how happy this family was together, you can see it in their eyes, that their love is strong enough to withstand any storms that come their way.

Finally it was time for everyone to kick off their heels and celebrate. The Belair Country Club  looked like a fairy garden, with beautiful fresh flowers and fairy lights glowing. Everyone had the most incredible time, I have never seen so many people hit the dance floor nor have I ever heard such an incredible speech by bridesmaid before. It literally left everyone speechless and was perfect for Jeanne and Dena. Even Dena’s mum talked of making Jeanne work really hard to ask for Dena’ hand in marriage and how much she loved having him as part of the family.

I have never come across such generous, understanding and loving people as Jeanne and Dena. It’s a testament to how incredible they are as people that everyone in that room loved them so much and had such kind words to say about them both. It was such a pleasure to capture this truly spectacular wedding. This love story, just like this wedding, is timeless.

Girls getting ready venue: The Hilton Hotel

Ceremony: St Michael’s Anglican Church

Reception: Belair Park Country Club

Cars: Classic Jags

Hair and Makeup: Blush- Hair Makeup Beauty

Flowers: Raindrops on Roses- Floral Arrangements